Shut Up, David Brooks

bloviate me!

Posts tagged by al

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Tom Friedman’s Rules for Living

Tom Friedman has a rule, you guys.  No, not “no carbs after 6p.m.” Ready?

I’ve always thought that the most important rule of journalism is: Never try to be smarter than the story.

And here I thought it was, “Never try.”  Haha, I kid, I kid! Seriously, though, Tom, with lines like, “if these negotiations were a play, it would be called: “When the Necessary Met the Impossible,”” you’re really playing with fire.  And what about this gem of insight: “I repeat: They did not come to the table by accident or just to please us.”  That was so smart Tom Friedman had to repeat it, in case you thought the Israeli-Palestinian negotiations happened because both parties were looking for the bathroom and got lost, or because they heard there was a waffle bar in the lounge.  I’m so worried for you, Tom Friedman!  I hate to think of you breaking your rule!  From now on, maybe you should stick to stories about quantum physics. Or, like, juggalos or something.

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David Brooks don’t give a %#!@

I think anyone who reads this blog (yep, all ten of you!) knows that our focus has never been on performance, only on subject.  So we’re totally good!  No one’s gonna squeeze our toothpaste, that’s for sure!  We only ever use steroids, like, socially.  At parties, weddings, whatnot.

Speaking of social, it’s time for my summer world tour.  I may pop in occasionally to post something, but mostly I’ll be off searching for ultimate validation and chasing self-maximization in various locations.  

But please don’t give up on us!  We’re so obviously not afraid to embarrass ourselves that Joe Torre would be proud.  Check back in September, when we return to your regularly scheduled cycle of insecurity and self-validation.  

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Woman on the Edge

As every discerning woman knows, David Brooks is the worst columnist ever made.  (KIDDING!  Obviously I know that honor belongs to Tom Friedman.  Brooks is a paragon of mediocrity.)

No, seriously, though.  As I was reading today’s column, I kept thinking I must be wrong.  Because, I mean, David Brooks wouldn’t.  He just… wouldn’t.  Would he?  No.  No one would write such a thinly disguised Zimmerman… defense?  Apologetic?  

But you guys.  I kind of think he did?  Am I crazy?  (Well, I spent more than two seconds trying to get inside David Brooks’ brain, so, obviously.)  I just can’t read this any other way.  

Maybe I am reading it wrong.  But here’s what I’m certain of: there is literally no demographic group whose lives would be improved by having David Brooks speak for them.  Except maybe Thomas Friedman.

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Well Gee That’s Swell

It sure is nice that David Brooks was allowed to hand in a book report for his column today.  I get paid probably 10-20% of what he does and my boss expects original content.  But hey, I guess some of us have to come up with the ideas that David Brooks “tries to report on”.  

Oh and contrary to what Charles Taylor via DB says, atheism was not “impossible” in the 1500s.  Many people were pretty casual about their beliefs, many churches had extremely low attendance at masses, and many people who did go were way more into the magic-y parts of religion than the God-y parts.  SEE I CAN READ BOOKS TOO, DAVID.  

(Seriously, I have about a zillion better and more important things to do than fact-check this shit, but I just can’t help myself.  I hope the ten of you who read this blog appreciate that.)

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You’re a Real Sonofabitch, David Brooks

HA HA HA HA!  See what I did there?  I compared your mom to a dog!  Hilarious, right?  Right??  Laugh it up, mutts!  Comparing people to animals is never not funny.  God, I spay slay me.

Now, before you decide that I am being a humorless you-know-what, consider this: what term naturally contrasts with ‘mutt’?  Take a second.

Yeah.

The only conclusion to be drawn is this: David Brooks is super-racist against white people, you guys.  According to him, we are all the same.  When David Brooks looks at Tom Friedman and Ross Douthat, he can’t even tell which is the mustachioed nincompoop and which is the 40 year-old virgin.  All he sees is undifferentiated whiteness.  

And that is just offensive.  There are so many kinds of white people, David!  We’re mutts too!  Do you think my ancestors came over from Italy thinking they were just as good as all other white people?  No!  They did not!  They came over thinking they were better than Polish people!  Dammit, David Brooks.  You’ve really screwed the pooch on this one.

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David Brooks: Let’s Put the ‘Man’ Back in ‘Humanities’! (Can we fit ‘white’ in there somewhere?)

Welcome back, class!  Let’s start today with a pop quiz:

Video : Radio Star ::    ?   : Humanities

If you guessed ‘chicks and black people,’ then congratulations!  You win a dark, vast forest.

See, back when David Brooks was in college, he and his classmates walked a mile in the snow every day to go to school.  And when they got there, they didn’t learn about things that had nothing to do with them, personally.  Instead they held each other and gently wept while thinking about Socrates.  But not in a gay way— back then, they didn’t even know what gay was!  

Seriously, you guys, we have to do something about the suicide rate of humanities.  Literally dozens of poems are killing themselves EVERY DAY while we are busy teaching our youth about bullshit like politics.  Come on!  You don’t need to know anything about politics to succeed in this world!  David Brooks is living, breathing, proof of that.  All you need is an overdeveloped sense of righteousness and self-confidence: the kind you might get from an education that spends zero time causing you to confront and examine your role in the world as an entitled white person.  

The humanities have changed since the fifties.  But the world has stayed the same.  It’s time we recognize this basic truth and bring our increasingly eclectic curricula into line with today’s homogenous society.

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Freedom’s Just Another Word for Not Wanting to Call Your Mother

I get a fair amount of mail from people telling me I’m mean for writing a tumblr called ‘Shut Up David Brooks.’  But today David Brooks himself came to my defense, arguing that the bad guys are not the ones who do bad things to people, the bad guys are the ones who tell people about the bad things people are doing to them.

It’s just like that movie ‘The Truman Show,’ the story of this stupid bitch who ruined a perfectly good t.v. show that lots of people enjoyed, thereby forcing them to change their channels, and destroying the social contract.  

Or Erin Brokovitch, that mean-spirited harridan who ruined drinking water for everyone and is the reason we now have to hydrate our babies and kittens with Diet Mountain Dew.

Or that selfish bastard Serpico.

Damn you, Snowdon.  Why couldn’t you have stayed enrolled in The Milford Academy and been more like the hero of that movie ‘Psycho,’ the story of a small-business owner who liked nothing more than spending time with his mother?

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Leave the Fund, Take the Malaria

I know, I know, it’s been a while!  What happened, you ask?  Well, I was pretty happy chugging along, knowing that I was adding marginal utility to the lives of, on average, three people a day (thanks, google analytics!) but then David Brooks came over and brought me a sandwich and I looked into his eyes and we hugged and played and now I just care too much, you guys:

Not many people value abstract life perceived as a statistic as much as the actual child being fed, hugged, nurtured and played with.

Because, you know, NATURAL ORDER.  DO NOT SUBVERT.  If we don’t continue to value the things our evolutionary history predisposes us to value— like, you know, mediocre pseudo-scientific punditry— we are KILLING NATURE.  Every time you think about a Zambian child another glacier melts #truth

David Brooks is probably on the Paleo diet.  You can have Crispex on Paleo, right?

 

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I Invented This Tumblr I Can Haz Money Plz?

Tom Friedman loves outsourcing.  You can tell because he managed to outsource 85% of his column today.  But unfortunately, that leaves room for 15% Tom Friedman originals:

Now there is only a high-wage, high-skilled job.

Is it irony if the literal meaning of the words is falsified by the very existence of the person who’s writing them down?  I better go email an Ivy League professor and ask them.  

 

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Tears of a Clown

Ross Douthat is willing to (passive-aggressively) concede defeat in this skirmish of the culture wars, but he would like liberals to stop being so mean to the Catholic Church, please:

Such honesty would make social liberals more magnanimous in what looks increasingly like victory, and less likely to hound and harass religious institutions that still want to elevate and defend the older marital ideal.

It’s true that many people associate the words ‘Catholic Church’ and ‘victims,’ but probably not for the reason Ross Douthat is suggesting.  This is sort of like the equivalent of a bully taking your lunch money every single goddamn day, and then you finally graduate and get a job and someone suggests you “magnanimously” take the bully out for drinks once a week, your treat.  I suppose what I’m saying is, if you are gay and planning a wedding reception, do make it open bar, but don’t invite Ross Douthat.

 

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